रात ढली तो सही , पर ख़ुमार बाकी था
मदहोश थी तुम, मैं भी मदहोश था
इस तरह डूबे थे हम, तुम्हारे आगोश में
उदय होने का, सूरज को भी आक्रोश था.
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सर्वाधिकार सुरक्षित/त्रिभवन कौल
Raat dhali to sahi, pur khumaar baaki tha
madhosh thi tum, mein bhi madhosh tha
is taran se doobe the hum, tumahre aagosh mein
uday hone ka, sooraj ko bhi aakrosh tha.
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मदहोश थी तुम, मैं भी मदहोश था
इस तरह डूबे थे हम, तुम्हारे आगोश में
उदय होने का, सूरज को भी आक्रोश था.
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सर्वाधिकार सुरक्षित/त्रिभवन कौल
Raat dhali to sahi, pur khumaar baaki tha
madhosh thi tum, mein bhi madhosh tha
is taran se doobe the hum, tumahre aagosh mein
uday hone ka, sooraj ko bhi aakrosh tha.
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Ramkishore Upadhyay सुन्दर भावपूर्ण ,,बधाई आदरणीय
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Indira Sharma sundar
via fb/YUSM on 14-05-2015
Om Prakash Shukla सुन्दर भाव बेहतरीन सृजन
ReplyDeleteसादर नमन् अभिनन्दन
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Vijay Mishr Daanish सुंदर भावों की अभिव्यक्ति
via fb/yusm 14-05-2015
Pawan Batra aadarniy ati sundr
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Chhaya Shukla आप की समर्थ लेखनी से सृंगगारिक मुक्तक का सृजन हुआ है ।
बहुत बहुत बधाई
via fb/YUSM 14-05-2015
Ranjna Nautiyal वाह
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Rameshwer Singh Sunder.
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Shailesh Gupta वाह.... क्या बात....
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Vinita Singh bindaas kya baat
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via fb/purple pen
Indrajit Ghoshal
ReplyDeleteKhub sir
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Meetu Kapur
सुंदर
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Menika Sajwan
Khub kha sir
via fb/PC 14-05-2015
rameshsinghal Yesterday, 16:36
ReplyDeleteक्या खूब ?
via verdurez
Hari1941 Yesterday, 17:08
ReplyDeleteUday hone par sooraj ko bhi 'aakrosh' ki jagah 'afsosh' kaise rahega Sir. Lo and behold I am also on a learning curve now. We have you and babu the regular poets in our midst and it will be naive on my part to even suggest a change.hahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
But you can floow what Tagore did. many a times his friends suggested to change one word or line and he readily agreed to do so to please them but the final script was what he had written.
via verdurez
ReplyDeleteDear Hari Bhai : you are very right. A change in a word, a comma makes a lot of difference to a poem or a written feelings. 'Afsos' gives a feeling of sadness which the sun does not feel as it has to rise compulsorily. 'Aakrosh' is severe anger which the sun is feeling (having disturbed the lovers )as has it been in its hands, it would not have risen as all. Thanks for your thoughtful comment. Love that.
And please don't call me Sir, dear Hari Bhai
akm15 Yesterday, 17:37
ReplyDeleteGood poem.It reminds us of our gone days of youth.
via verdurez
Babu Yesterday, 18:05
ReplyDeleteNice
Ishita Yesterday, 20:30
ReplyDeleteV appreciate you posting in Romi script alongside...
via verdurez
Seharyar Khan Uncle ji its reminds me movie sangam
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Ramkishore Upadhyay वाह वाह
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Manoj Kamdev Sharma Wah ji wah
via fb/24-05-2015